people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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