No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
