why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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