We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize