My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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