How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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