Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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