yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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