we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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