I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
