Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
