Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
