woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
