I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
