Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
