I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Let's get the cat blown out
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
