Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
