Plan B is the new Plan A
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
