So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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