took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
