why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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