Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
