Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
