I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you made out with another girl for some wings
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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