She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
