we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my being single is dangerous.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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