how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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