The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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