So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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