She is in my trunk
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
