i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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