She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
