i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
