so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
