Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sext me about skeletons
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize