i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i dont even know how to be here
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just invented taco cereal.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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