My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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