I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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