I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
