So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
