Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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