i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
