I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
