There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
