There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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