could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
