I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
