i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
