Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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