So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She bit a glass in half.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
