I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
