Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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