alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
