So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
