I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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