The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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