This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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