i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
