I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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