she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
