He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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