I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
