And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
