so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
