if you like me you must not know who I am
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
